Dear Friend, 

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First of all, I’d like to thank you for subscribing to my newsletter. It’s been a year since I have opened up this opportunity to register for my updates. This channel will serve as a medium to let you know about my latest releases and will also serve as a journal to give insight about my songs – how they were made, what they mean to me – along with some behind the scenes footage. 

 

As you might know I grew up in a family, where none of us played any instrument or sang. I’ve spent most of my time playing, working on my computer and listening to music. I was very much an introvert. I did not talk much once I got into elementary school, because I had a hard time fitting in. I couldn’t find my place and I’ve had a hard time connecting with my classmates and teachers. My moral standpoint, my views about life did not resonate with them. I’ve felt like an alien, like someone from a different culture. 

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I’ve learnt how to use the computer while I was in kindergarten and it was not long till I was able to have access to the internet. It helped me discover new friends from abroad. Since we have watched a lot of Cartoon Network episodes from an early age and also went to a bilingual school, it was easy for me to use English. Back then it was ICQ, AOL Messenger, Yahoo Groups and so on.  

Around when I was around twelve years old, we started having family issues. It was even less place where I could find shelter, there were some very sad moments. I’ve spent most of my time either locked in my room or at my surrogate grandmother. I was always a bit different in terms of how I viewed things and life and also my sexuality was quite uncommon. All these things made me feel even much more separated from society. I haven’t found trust in anyone, so I couldn’t share my feelings.  

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As time went by, I’ve tried to understand myself better, but being alone, thinking about myself just made me hate myself even more. There were many times when I was hurting myself physically and my only wish left was to either leave forever or end my life. I just felt like a stubborn and hurt lone wolf.  

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Once a friend lent me a synthesizer, which I’ve sometimes played with. I had no idea about chords, just went with what sounded good. It also got me to install FL and Ableton. There was a band called The Crystal Method, which I really liked and imagined it would be nice to have a live electronica gig once with all the synths and samplers around. The turning point was when I’ve heard John Legend’s Ordinary People, it was backing 2004, I was fourteen years old back then. That was when I’ve decided that I would like to learn to play the piano and sing.  

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John Stephens playing Ordinary People the first time, he wrote for The Black Eyes Peas, which later was released as his own debut song:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNbzV1D-Qmk 

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I’ve always been a very shy person, so I’ve tried to do all this by myself, when no one was at home. There were a few times when I’ve played around with his song Used to Love U or a few Justin Timberlake songs, but it was never really serious, until I decided to go to music school to take piano lessons. I remember that I’ve sung a few times, but did not really get any support or positive feedback, so I have given up on that quite quickly. Piano was the only thing I’ve been practicing for a few years, but after I got to university, I had no time for it unfortunately.  

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This was one of the songs I really loved to play and sing: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkS4bmmr4w8 

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In high school I choose Japanese as my second language, because of the Shinto culture, their leadership in high-tech IT and their general humility. I fell in love with it instantly and it was the first thing that I really loved studying. It was also a thing that I had to throw away when I got to university.  

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I’ve started working very hard since I was around 17, I decided to create an IT business, and it basically took all my time. Actually except for one year when I volunteered at an animal shelter doing husky rescue, I have been doing that ever since. I’ve never really been able to feel freedom or know how going completely offline for at least a week really feels like, which is quite crazy.  

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It was around when I was 15, when I first saw a photo of a fursuit in some Yahoo group. To be honest it was a bit weird for me in the context of some old furry convention, where people wore animal ears on their heads and such. Although one night I was playing on the piano and came up with this idea of being able to connect with my ‘spirit animal’. I really liked sleeping on our roof terrace on colder nights, going to sleep while watching the stars and the moon.   

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This was the song that I’ve wrote that night, when I decided that I want live - I’ve decided to take a last role on that dice:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uLE-m9zHH8 

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I’ve started to check this whole thing out and came across some characters I could really connect with, they were some of the suits made by Mixed Candy. From there I pretty much knew what I’ve wanted. Shortly after, I’ve reached out to her and submitted my reference. Unfortunately, my friend who would have helped with the PayPal transaction gave my money back, because he wasn’t able to get it through, so that chance was gone.  

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This was one of the songs I’ve listened to back then:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrFrygkDCIA 

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I decided to build the fursuit by myself – nobody had one in Hungary at the time -, but I gave up working on it and gave the head base to one of my friends. Almost fifteen years went by studying and working and never really got time to pursue my dreams, learning to sing, play the piano or study the Japanese language.  

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The turning point was when I’ve got into a very severe depression, which made me lose almost everything I had built. I had problems with my mental and physical health, it was a clear sign that I need a life where I pursue my dreams and live my own life. I have quit my job and decided to start all over again. When COVID came my partner bought me an Oculus, with which I was able to attend the first Virtual Furence. It was also when I decided to update my reference sheet and get a quote for my fursuit from the creator I first saw in my childhood. It was the first time I ever danced too, I’ve attended VR parties and then joined Dranenk’s Furry Dancing group too. We’ve danced to a few K-Pop songs too, which then made me want to look for more songs from that genre. I came across Bang Yongguk from B.A.P and my partner always told me that his way of speaking was very similar to mine.  

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This somehow gave me an idea to try to rap myself. My first try was doing a remake of D12’s My Band. It was called Rex Gang – an imaginary fan group - and it was a caricature about this whole “popufur” culture that I was fed up with. You can check out the music video here:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhccAtcPgNY 

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It was the first time I ever wrote vocals or tried to rap. I even hired a few session musicians to make it sound more professional. Back then I did not work on mixing, so I’ve asked Dranenk if he could help out, so he helped me put together the stems and make it sound cohesive.  

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Actually, the first video I’ve made in VRChat was about the years when I’ve felt I lost the game and failed on my last roll. There were no vocals, no talking, no lyrics, just music and visuals. It was more than enough to tell my story. I felt like as if everything just flew by since I was 17 and it’s time to go.  

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoO7hZM_Z8I 

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It inspired me to start working on a series called Beni 31st. It's motto was ‘If you look back on your life, it’s looking down a mountain’. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUscJJmSnMs 

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Unfortunately, it only got to survive one episode, because while I was shooting the footage for it, I’ve got into a downward spiral with my best friend, which never really healed. I have bad memories connected to it and I haven’t been able to let them go. 

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The first episode is about what I went through at the toughest part of my depression. I literally felt like I was fighting with myself as a demon. In the end I wrote letters to myself so that I could read them when I was in a better state to stop myself. A few years after, one of my closest friends told me that I felt like I was a different person back then. 

I have realized that I have to face the demon, to face myself. I have to admit what I have done. “No matter how hard you ever struggle the only out is to face our demon”.  

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73pOO-C8SPc 

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As time went by, I’ve got more and more confident and was able to experiment with short K-Pop song covers. I’ve also decided to challenge myself and perform live at a furry convention. The first breakthrough was when I’ve performed at Furality, back in 2021.  

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There was this song called Believe that I’ve wrote based on Bang Yongguk’s 4:44 AM. The song is about how greed made us forgot about the values of being a true and honest person, being a human. About how I felt like a petal falling down a tree, not being noticed. It was a shoutout to the world, if there is anyone who believed there is a chance to live a humane life, if anyone would come though that bridge with me, a bridge for those who believed. This was that emotional moment: 

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https://youtu.be/DqbJ0-2OXRc?t=871 

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Shortly after I’ve started working on the album Katsu, which is named after the Zen shout. It started off an idea that the struggles we go through make us who we are and that our demon I have recognized exists in human itself and what we can do is to give a helping hand to cure him from his trauma. Without rain we cannot see the colors of the rainbow, so all we can do is to summon our own rainbow of the tears we shed. 

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtX5RfD7b88 

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I’ve decided to tell my story and share what I’ve got to learn from the struggles in life in a series of songs, so if it ever gets to find ears, it can help those in similar challenges to find strength and meaning in their life. It’s a diary of my childhood and adulthood, it contains all the experiences, knowledge and wisdom I can share. The songs’ main purpose is not entertainment, but rather a key to life. Everything I’d ever wanted to tell is all there, I have nothing more to tell. I will spend the coming months finishing up the album. I hope it will be able to help likeminded people in the world.   

Into the deep darkness of loneliness, we are falling. Though I don’t regret nor repent. I’ll just keep walking forward as there is no time to waste. But it’s still definitely there, I just feel the emptiness. 

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bdbPAZjg2c 

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May God bless you all, 

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Yamazaki